Dad uses Twitter to share the hilarity of raising daughters
Comedian James Breakwell knows all too well the joys and absurdities of raising daughters. The comedian dad has four daughters, all under the age of 7, so he has some first-hand experience.
With a house full of little girls, the jokes probably almost write themselves. Fortunately, he shares many of these day-to-day gems with the rest of us on Twitter. His account, @XplodingUnicorn, has nearly one million followers thanks to his honest and hilarious observations.
As you can see from this collection, his daughters appear to have their daddy’s sense of humor and timing. The comic force runs deep in this family.
You Only Need One Eye, Right?
Apparently, Breakwell’s 5-year-old daughter was confident that her sister would be OK even after she hurt her sister’s eye.
Me: You poked her eye!
5-year-old: She has two.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 23, 2017
It’s all good, right?
Ready For Prime-Time Sports
All dads love to see athletic potential in their little ones. Breakwell already has big plans for his oldest.
My 7-year-old tapped her sister on the head and her sister flopped on the floor like she was hit by a truck.
She's ready for the NBA.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 22, 2017
If the sports thing doesn’t work out, maybe dad can steer his daughter to the stage!
Ready For The Zombie Apocalypse
This family knows how to prepare for an emergency. Breakwell shares a series of tips to prepare for a zombie apocalypse, courtesy of his girls.
Zombie Apocalypse Parenting Tip Number 51:
Sisters make great companions.
And even better human shields. pic.twitter.com/zRKv5StOO9
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 22, 2017
Not sure big sis wants to deflect the oncoming walking dead. But it’s every sister for herself here.
Getting The Kids To Pick Up
What parent can’t relate to the never-ending battle of getting kids to pick up their messes. Breakwell’s 5-year-old throws a curve in the argument, though.
Me: Pick up your toys.
5-year-old: I’m not your servant.
Me: You’re right. Servants actually help out.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 18, 2017
I’m not sure who to applaud here. I mean, the little girl tossed out the classic line parents use to guilt kids into picking up. However, dad made a major comeback. Upon further consideration, I have to give dad the point with the impressive clap back.
Who’s The Boss?
OK, I admit it. I had this exact exchange with my kids when they were in preschool.
3-year-old: *walks out of the kitchen with a bag of chips*
Me: Who said you could have those?
3: Me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2017
You just don’t know whether to get angry or to crack up.
And You Think You Had A Bad Day?
3-year-old: *walks in with a Barbie missing her head*
Me: What happened?
3: She had a bad day.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2017
Lesson: Things can always get worse. At least you still have your head attached.
School Daze
The new school year may be young, but Breakwell’s kids have already provided plenty of back-to-school humor.
Me: What did you learn today?
5-year-old: School is long.
She was paying attention.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2017
Me: Wake up. It's time for school.
5-year-old: But I just went yesterday.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2017
7-year-old: It's finally the weekend!
Me: You only had two days of school this week.
7: You weren't there.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2017
School’s rough, man. Just ask the teachers.
My 7-year-old had a substitute on the first day of school.
Teacher burnout started early this year.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 10, 2017
Dogs Are So Lucky!
5-year-old: How come dogs don't have to go to school?
Me: They can't get jobs.
5: I want to be a dog.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 8, 2017
Dad Protective Mode
Last but not least, Dad’s job is to make sure his little girls are safe. Some days are easier than others.
[3-year-old rides her bike]
Me: I taught her everything she needs to know
Wife: Braking?
Me: I taught her half of what she needs to know.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2016
Me: Stay dressed when you pee.
3-year-old daughter: Why do you keep telling me to keep my clothes on?
Me: It's my main job as your father.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 4, 2016
Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I'm never sleeping again.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
Yes, I pulled off the pudding heist.
I would have gotten away with it, too, if I didn't get stuck in the damn chair pic.twitter.com/OhGCMA3dSM
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 6, 2016
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