This Brutally Honest Christmas Card Is The Funniest One You’ll See All Year
"Landon: Our precocious and super annoying 3yr old. Whines all the time and doesn't go to sleep when he's told."
It’s that magical time of the year when suddenly your mailbox is full of holiday cards describing how amazing this year has been for your friends and family (new jobs! new babies! new houses!). With some expertly shot, glossy photos that capture the laughter and good times spent, everything appears to have been nothing short of perfection in the last 365 days.
We all know this is never actually the case—and yet with each holiday card we receive in the mail, the illusion of perfection is perpetuated.
Well this year, we’re happy to see a “real” holiday card making the rounds online. And by that we mean “real”-ly funny.
The image of the card reportedly originated on Reddit and is supposedly the holiday greeting from one very funny mother of three named Lisa Allen. Allen decided to say goodbye to the rose-colored look back at the year, opting instead to write an honest and hilarious holiday card about her family.
While we can’t confirm Allen’s identity or that the card shared was actually mailed out to family and friends, it sure gives us something to laugh at this Christmas season. (Especially given that we can’t watch “Christmas Vacation” at all times between now and Dec. 25.)
We saw the now-viral holiday card posted to the Mommy Needs Vodka Facebook page on Dec. 1 with the caption: “Brutally honest Christmas card.”
As is the custom, the card reflects on the Allen family’s year—and it does so with both sass and truthfulness, two things most holiday cards are sorely lacking.
Allen and her husband, Tom, have three children. And their descriptions of the kids in their Christmas card are hilariously honest.
There’s Landon, “our precocious and super annoying 3yr old,” who “whines all the time and doesn’t go to sleep when he’s told.” The proud parents continue, “Most of the artwork he brings home from church nursery is awful. Our pride and joy (and source of our drinking problem).”
Next up is Hunter, their “energetic yet surprisingly unathletic 9yr old who just got cut from a soccer team that doesn’t even keep score in their games, I know … how does that even happen?!” The spunky parent duo continues, writing that Hunter “spends most of his time on his iPad and said his first swear word this year! Super exciting!”
Lastly, there’s the oldest child, 18-year-old Maddy, whom off-the-bat they call out for going “over her data each month on her cell phone bill.” Aside from getting fired from her job at Sephora for telling her boss, “Just because I’m on the schedule doesn’t mean I have to show up,” she’s got her priorities straight: she’s looking to get Insta famous (aren’t we all?). Her parents write that Maddy “was grounded for two weeks this fall after she snuck a guy in her window to ‘watch a movie.'”
And of course, a family holiday card wouldn’t be complete without an update about the parents. Allen shares that “Tom still tucks his T-shirt into his jeans and just took money from our retirement account to buy a fishing boat,” but not before stating that “they’re ‘somehow still married’ 41 years later.”
The LOL-worthy look into the this family’s lives ends with Allen letting the world know that Tom’s “golf shoes are still currently on the steps after I told him three times to take them upstairs.”
And that, my friends, is real life—in all its messy glory. Here’s hoping some funny cards like this one show up in our mailboxes this year!