19 Things You Say To Your Toddler That Can Be Used On A Drunk Friend

Toddlers are selfish, opinionated and sloppy. They have been known to pee in inappropriate places, spit up on your favorite shirt, and eat the food right off your plate. But, like our favorite intoxicated friends- no matter how loud, imperfect or messy- we love them anyway. We have to.

Here are 19 things I’ve said to my toddlers – just in the last 48 hours – that, interestingly enough, I also uttered many, many times to drunk friends in my twenty-something bar-hopping days.

1. No, you can’t sleep with me. You have to sleep in your own bed.
2. Pee pee goes in the potty, not on the kitchen floor.
3. That’s not our car.
4. No! Oh dear god, no, don’t eat that..those aren’t our nuggets.
5. I don’t know why you have to wear pants in this restaurant, you just do.
6. Did you toot?
7. Are you even listening to me?!?
8. Careful, let’s drink that a little slower.
9. Don’t stand on the chair like that, it will tip.
10. You can’t lay down here. Why?!? Because we are in the bathroom…at McDonald’s.
11. Please get up, you’re causing a scene.
12. Please, please, please get up.  I can’t carry you.  Why?  Because I’m already carrying your sister.
13. Honey, the poor girl needs some space. Can you please stop hugging her?
14. Shhhhh, use your quiet voice. People are staring.
15. If you come home with me right now, I’ll give you a cookie.
16. Sweetie, you’re drooling.
17. Can I have my phone back? Oh god…wait, what the…who did you call?
18. Less dancing, more walking.
19. No, we can’t play one more game. It’s time for you to go night night.

To the 25 year-old me, who would rather die of shame than ride in my mini-van, turns out we aren’t that different after all.

Those late night dance parties and Taco Bell runs were just a training exercise in toddler parenting. Keep this in mind and giggle to yourself when dealing with the unruly and unpredictable – drunk friend or toddler.

[h/t Huffington Post]