After a long silence on social media, Chrissy Teigen penned a heartfelt essay about losing her recent pregnancy.
Teigen and husband John Legend were expecting their third child together but, on Sept. 30, she was hospitalized with complications and the baby did not survive. In a series of social media posts, Teigen let her followers know about the heartbreaking experience.
“We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we’ve never felt before,” she wrote.
She revealed that they had named the child Jack and that they would always love him and consider him part of their family. On Oct. 1, she shared the post, along with a stark, black-and-white photo that showed her visibly distraught on a hospital bed. It would be her last day posting for weeks.
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) October 1, 2020
On Oct. 28, Teigen broke the silence in an essay published on Medium. She wrote about how she and Legend have coped over the past month. First, she addressed how grateful she is for all the support they’ve received from loved ones and fans alike.
“I didn’t really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right to begin [with] a thank you,” she wrote. “For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’. I can assure you, I did.”
She explained that she was diagnosed with partial placenta abruption, which put her on bed rest for over a month. She bled heavily, eventually leading to her hospitalization. She then learned that her baby was unlikely to survive — and that the situation threatened her own life.
“He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either,” she wrote. “We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all.”
When she was told late one night that it would be time to say goodbye in the morning, Teigen wrote that she was overcome with sadness.
“I cried a little at first, then went into full-blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness,” the essay continued. “Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again.”
As for that viral photo that showed a devastated Teigen in the hospital, she wrote that she had asked Legend and her mother to take pictures during the awful stay in the hospital, anticipating that she would need to remember the moment forever. She wrote that she wanted to keep the moment close, “the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles.”
To those who criticized her decision to take and post photos of the experience, Teigen said their opinions “do not matter” to her.
She then described the painful experience of delivering Jack, despite knowing he wouldn’t survive.
“My mom, John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer,” she wrote.
She went on to explain how intense her emotions have been in the weeks since, having found herself “randomly crying” at times and laughing at others.
“I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public,” she wrote. “I was excited to share our news with the world. Stories leading up to this had been chronicled for all. It’s hard to look at them now. I was so positive it would be okay. I feel that I made you all feel bad. I always will.”
She also expressed her hope that other expectant moms would not hesitate to continue to share their joy with her despite what happened.
“I’m currently surrounded by the pregnant bellies of many close friends, and I can swear to you, nothing makes me more happy. I know your joy and I love you.”
“Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see,” Teigen wrote in a moving passage.
She concluded the essay with a final thank you to everyone who has supported her family during this difficult time.
“Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”