As adults, many of us fondly look back on Halloween as one of the best times to be a kid. Not only did you get to dress up in awesome costumes, but you also got to walk around and extort candy from your neighbors.
Who can forget the feeling of dumping your haul onto the floor with your buddies and seeing who got the most and best candy? And by that, I mean who got the most Reese’s, because peanut butter.
But if you remember that, you also vividly remember the feeling when your neighbors dumped lame candies into your candy bucket, and you desperately tried to convince your friend to trade you one chocolate bar for 17 Jolly Ranchers.
And don’t even get me started on the people who gave out random items instead of candy because they clearly forgot to go shopping before Halloween.
So, with Halloween rapidly approaching, we’re taking a moment to remember all of the worst candies you could get. If you want a scientific study of good candy, go to our list of the best Halloween candies.
This space is reserved for all of the candy that made you want to just toilet-paper your neighbor’s tree. And, yes, this list is highly subjective.
This is a safe space, so I’m going to admit something: I like candy corn. No, I don’t eat it all year long, and certainly not on a pizza or in my coffee drinks. But when fall comes around, I will happily munch on a bag. So, I personally would be happy to get candy corn for Halloween. But I am leading this list with it as an acknowledgment that not everybody feels that way. Some people might feel like it’s eating candle wax.
Sure, bubblegum is OK when you’ve got nothing else to do and nothing else to eat. But Halloween is all about stuffing your gullet with as much candy as you possibly can. It’s time-consuming to chew bubble gum to its completion. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
We just talked about the time factor when it comes to bubblegum, and lollipops present the same problem. Plus, they’re sticky and gross and turn your mouth funky colors.
It’s not that Tootsie Rolls are especially bad. They’re just … meh. They look like chocolate, but don’t quite taste like chocolate. In both looks and appeal, they’re the candy version of the poop emoji. And we’re not even going to talk about those fruity Tootsie Rolls.
This tweet from the official Tootsie Roll Twitter account claims that a pile of Tootsie Rolls is “beautiful.” I beg to differ!
— Tootsie Roll (@TootsieRoll) September 28, 2018
Tootsie Pops manage to combine the previous two items on our list, so yeah, they’re here as well. Of course, Mr. Owl will always be expressing his love for the garish candy, as he does in this Halloween-time tweet, but he’s basically alone in this opinion.
— Mr. Owl (@MrOwl) October 23, 2018
Plus, I always found the commercials for Tootsie Pops irritating for some reason. Maybe it’s because this kid is just walking around naked talking to animals. Take a look at this YouTube video of an old Tootsie Pop commercial and tell me this isn’t creepy.
Sorry, Grandma, this is why we don’t trick-or-treat at your house. Nobody wants to see hard candy in their bag. Except Werther’s. I like Werther’s. But I’m also an old person on the inside.
They’re not even all that sweet, so this tweet from the Smarties brand Twitter account isn’t really accurate.
— Smarties® (@Smarties) April 28, 2018
Hot Tamales And Fireballs
Candy should not be spicy. That is a hill I am willing to die on. The photo in this tweet from Hot Tamales tries make the spicy candy seem cool and fun, but it’s not. It’s just not.
— HOT TAMALES® 🔥 (@HOTTAMALESBrand) June 27, 2017
Healthy (Or At Least Healthy-ish) Stuff
This includes apples, trail mix, nuts, pretzels, raisins and other non-candy food items. Childhood obesity is an epidemic sweeping the nation, and there will come a time when we all need to band together to make sure our kids eat healthier. Halloween is not that time. Give the kids one day without apple slices. If you cover the apples in caramel, maaaaaybe we can talk.
Do I even need to explain this one?
What was the candy you most hated to receive on Halloween as a child?